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INTIMATE STAGES OF LIFE
STAGES OF MARITAL SEXUAL LIFE The average
married couple’s time spent in sexual intercourse adds up to
a meager one weekend As our lives
change, so do our marital sexual relationships. Stress and difficulty
can be painful processes and yet, stress and discomfort can also
lead to personal growth. Our life’s structure change throughout
our lives. We shall try to explore these changes as they relate
to the corresponding stages in our lives.
At 40 we look again at our lives and grieve for our lost youth and lost opportunities. We also realize how much of our lives are in front of us. Children are now adolescent. People are now reasonably affluent middle-class and reached financial success. At the same time one must deal with the loss of youth and accept certain things about one’s personality. Many women now enter the workforce if they haven’t before. Many women mature and become more assertive. Many men who have been striving for monetary success find the marriage empty after the kids leave home. Many men want to be nurtured and does not want his wife getting involved in a career. However, most couples find they can now share things with each other and give support to each other in new roles. Eventually marital satisfaction increases when the last child leaves the family. As the children become sexual adults, the couples in the 40’s now belong to the older generation. Sexual conflict can increase as people grow older. Men’s erections develop slower and more direct stimulation is required. Sex drive seems less urgent and men are more vulnerable to the effects of alcohol, drugs, and exhaustion. Woman, on the other hand, now become more sexual and uninhibited. Menopause has little effect on sex drive. If the sexual relationship was a problem before, the frequency of intercourse may decline even more at this time. If a couple does not divorce during this transition period, it is less likely they will divorce later. The older couple reaching 60 finds other tasks to contend with. People do change in profound ways as they get older. Most men who are 60 or 65 give up the reigns of power and move into a advisory capacity to make room for younger men. Retirement makes a major change in daily activities and also in self-esteem. The couples are available to each other throughout the day. If the woman is younger and still working, there is a change in the power structure of the relationship. Also more chronic and disabling illnesses increase at this time. One person may find him or her self caring for a sick partner. Sexual conflict occurs in men at this age because they expect problems. This anxiety causes sexual performance problems. The man has a decreased need for orgasm at each sexual contact and the extra time required for him to develop an erection may cause his partner to question her attractiveness. FACTORS
IN THE LOSS OF SEXUAL INTEREST
Masters and Johnson estimated that at least 50% of marriages have sexual difficulties. One of the most common problems is the waning of sexual interest in the partners after many years of marriage. Loss of physical attractiveness occurs with age. Men especially, tend to depend upon physical attraction for sexual arousal. Sex interest decreases when a partner is overweight, balding, sagging or simply unkept. Marriages generally
become somewhat less intimate as time passes. Many relationship
changes A common complaint is that sex is boring. In early marriage, sex is a highlight. Novelty, excitement and discovering one another through exploration all fuel the important role sex plays in the early years of marriage As years pass, many couples feel they have explored all the sexual alternatives acceptable to them. Others are bored with the mundane techniques and the same partner year after year. Many people engage in extramarital affairs. The double standard of youth and beauty in our society encourages these extramarital relationships. People are often searching for variety, excitement or self-assurance. Affairs often have very little to do with any behavior or lack of behavior of their partner.. Men frequently become more attractive to younger women as they age because the man acquires more power, wealth, confidence as he matures. Women however become less attractive in the eyes of younger men and men near their age as they grow older. This occurs because women are seen as more matronly, less mysterious, and more motherly as they age. These qualities are not commonly thought as sexy. Lowered sex drive in one of the partners results in a loss of sex interest. This is especially true of the male. Psychological causes include boredom, business concerns, and financial worries, Physical reasons include age related reasons. Male sex drive peaks in young adulthood and declines gradually and steadily thereafter. Female sex drive however peaks in the thirties and remains stable until after 60. A change in self perception occurs with men and women seeing themselves as being less attractive physically as they age. They do not want to force themselves on their partners. Others see themselves as sexual non-beings as they age. Surgery and chronic illnesses may produce emotions incompatible with sexual excitement.
Family problems with a child, loss of a job, financial worries, or dissatisfaction with one’s occupation may all lead to a decrease in sexual interest. Anxiety, worry, guilt, and other negative emotions block the transmission of sexual stimuli. Acupuncture may release these blocks. Persons preoccupied with issues related to general well-being will use up an enormous amount of energy and this decreases the amount of energy needed for sex. These crises result in depression which decreases the sex drive. There are also some partners who literally don’t like one another or feel hostility, anger, bitterness, and resentment toward ones partner much to the time. They are unlikely to want to share sexual feeling s as they did before these hostile feelings developed. Sexual failure is emotionally painful. Pain with sex, lack of orgasm, erectile problems, and premature ejaculation result in such emotional pain. When a person associates failure with sexual activity he is likely to avoid sex. Sexual activity results in increases punishment and a decrease in reward. SEXUAL RELATIONS AND ANGER Unsatisfactory sexual relations are a symptom of marital problems and not the cause of it. Substituting constructive techniques to resolve marital conflicts improve sexual behavior in marriage.
SEXUAL
PROBLEMS IN BEING WIFE, MISTRESS, AND MOTHER
Woman today must play many roles with the rapid social and cultural changes they experience. This results in anxiety, tension, depression, and physical disturbances. To be wife, mistress, and mother day after day is a demanding task that men cannot understand. As women now assume jobs in factories, offices, and the business world the strains of playing and balancing so many roles multiply geometrically. The daily role of the modern wife consists of innumerable chores in caring for the home and family. Labor saving devices should have reduced these physical hardships.
Motherhood has all the potential for personal fulfillment and yet it is often stressful rather than meaningful. The first 6 months after delivery of the first child results in a lack of sexual interest ,being sleep deprived , and trying to be the perfect mother. Feelings of pride, fears of baby’s well being, and the other responsibilities of motherhood all drain her sexual energy. Dad’s taking care of the baby at least a few nights can contribute to a restoration of libido energy. Many women do not want or like to be mothers. Many hate housework and the routine tasks attached to it. Many need the accomplishment of challenging prestigious work. After an early marriage that failed, they would much rather have a series of affairs with different men and taste freedom, adventure, and romance. The new morality of living together without the benefit of clergy has created psychological stress for some women and also for some men. The high incidence of impotence and premature ejaculation in sexually uninhibited groups lends evidence for this. In our modern age the natural environment is being replaced by a man made one. Socially we are confronted with the problem of social adaptation to get a more perfect fit between the human being and her social environment. Woman’s rights and roles in society as equals in the business world will increase the strain until man’s and woman’s roles become redefined again.
SEX LIFE OF PARENTS CHANGED BY CHILDREN The arrival of kids markedly change the nature of marital relations. In advance of the arrival, personal, sexual, economic and social problems of parenthood occur. Many feel insecure and dread additional responsibilities. Having children is a major disruptive problem for a married couple. One must acknowledge that parents have a sexual life and parental functions and sexual passions clash with each other. Parents become the victims of guilt and frustration. It is desirable that the decision to have a child be reached mutually by husband and wife. The first pregnancy demands a reorientation of both spouses toward their marriage. The new baby can be looked at as an intruder into the exclusive mutual devotion of their love. Pregnancy can result in the ultimate fulfillment. Women feel well being and an enhanced self-image. They are increasingly receptive toward sex and pay loving attention to the needs of their husbands. Both are free from contraception and often renewed sexual vigor occurs especially early in the pregnancy. As physical changes occur they fear the loss of attractiveness and worry that sex may hurt the baby. This results in gratifying their husbands in other ways than sex. If not told they are beautiful by their husbands they undergo emotional swings and withdraw from their husband and show no interest in sex. For the prospective father, the pregnancy results in increased dependency of his wife. His romantic partner is changing into a mother. This may reactivate repressed feeling about his own mother. and his sexual libido may be reduced. He may turn away and become involved with other women. When unable to respond to expectant fatherhood and a new self-realization he sees it as a trap interfering with their life plans. Caught with a feeling of exclusion from his wife may lead to infidelity with later guilt. Both must be reminded that sex will not hurt the baby and is of until shortly before the baby is born and resumed as soon after the delivery as the vagina is healed. After the delivery more adjustments must occur. Physical demands of parenthood become heavy. The wife is ambivalent about motherhood. She fears this new status will disrupt her career aspirations. Fatigue sets in. In the evening both are completely exhausted and the wife finds it difficult to respond to her husbands anxiously waiting to resume sex. In addition the new baby is fussy, a poor sleeper . She listens with one ear during sex to hear her baby is all right. He feels envy as his wife fusses over their new little rival. Babies are well confined in their cribs. Once they learn to climb out they pose a new threat to the privacy of their parents. Should parents keep the bedroom door open to reassure the child ? Parents are entitled to privacy and children must learn eventually to tolerate being alone in a room. Witnessing sex in itself has no harmful effect upon a child’s development. It is sexually revitalizing if periodic get away from home can occur. Some women find the first opportunity to feel comfortable in the presence of a naked male body when they bathe their own child. Guilt about sexual curiosity can now be erased. In our society parental nudity is not the norm because nudity is heavily sexualized. Because of this it is safer for parents to curb their own nudity till the after the child’s developmental phase. After the children leave the home, many couples discover that they have grown apart and are strangers to each other. As long as the children were around, there was a focus of common interest. Nothing now holds the couple together. In the hope of finding sexual and emotional gratification with a new partner and a dream of rekindling a zest for living they abandon their investment of shared years and divorce. Children can be an excellent investment. Parenthood can add richness and gratification to the enjoyment of their marital sexual relationship. The presence of children demands a sacrifice of privacy and spontaneity. But the joys of a unique and fulfilling nature can be experienced with children. Today fewer people consider parenthood an absolute ingredient for a fulfilled and successful life. Sexual gratification has become more important to more people than ever before. Many women do not take it for granted that they must become mothers to be fulfilled. And there are some parents who for various reasons are quite unsuited for their role. One must free oneself from the traditional belief that a life without children cannot be a full life. SEXUAL ROLE OF FATHER TO SON The sexual revolution is upon us. Intimate matters of sex education are handed over to experts. Yet fathers can teach sexuality to their sons more effectively than anyone else. Fathers fill an essential role in conveying values. A boy’s sexual identity conveying masculinity is conveyed in a son’s conversations with his father. It is not very easy to be a father. There are very few principles accepted to help the unsure father and there is no consensus of his role as father. He is no longer alone in teaching sex education and there is a feeling of openness and publicity to sex talk. It is rare to read a frank and tasteful talk of the joys of sex. A liberal attitude about sex is conveyed today. Fathers may not feel this liberalism.
How much information should a father supply? Why not leave something for a boy to discover for himself? (He can buy his own Playboy magazine). But our embraces and kisses with our wives show how we are honest and open with each other and all the ways married couples relate. Words are one thing, action another. The boy should be taught the difference between the two. Appropriately modest behavior is a useful contrast to more open conversation. Fathers and sons grow up together. The father of a 14 year old is older and wiser than when he was the father of a 4 year old. When we raise children we can work through our own youth. In infancy fathers only become involved with their sons when they find the baby smiles at them. The father now knows that he can have a warm relationship with his son. He finds the closeness is desirable and pleasurable. The baby finds that others beside his mother can care. Later the boy patterns himself increasinglyafter his father (in competing for his mother’s attention). By imitating his dad he develops a conscience, a moral code and a set of values. As the boy starts school, the father must assist the son in acquiring many skills. Correct sexual information is only part of the knowledge. In early adolescence the boy challenges his father. But there a many opportunities for a variety of new issues and skills. Advise at this age is accepted best when brief and to the point. It is also a time of heterosexual socialization as gonadal and pituitary functions reach their height. Masturbation reaches peak intensity. Sexual interest in pornographic material and sexual conversation intensifies. A father should content himself with a brief reassurance to his son that interest in sex is appropriate. Lengthy discussions of sex at this time only serve to heighten anxiety. Anxiety about general physical size, the size and shape of his penis and testicles, and other aspects of sexual maturation are universal. If mentioned, they must be addressed. In later adolescence, the boy separates from his parents more and more. A father’s comments are usually ineffective at this time and should have been discussed much earlier. Before a boy is deeply involved with a girlfriend , the hazards of sex should be discussed, as risks of venereal disease, aids, and unplanned fatherhood . Virginity is sometimes a problem particularly is these days of public sex on TV and the movies. The father should discuss what sexuality is for: mutual commitment and intimacy. Today in America we often have weak fathers. They elicit doubt in their sons heterosexual adequacy. Impotence becomes an unanticipated by product of the sexual revolution. The absent father is often a problem Being absent, is associated with delinquency, with failure in his son incorporating a conscience and a positive value system in the early years when he should be getting them from his father. The too understanding father is in a sense absent although he is physically present. He may too readily permit and sanction inappropriate heterosexual behavior in his son for which the boy may not be ready. Another father is the pal.. It is best to preserve some aloofness between father and so. The boy deserves his privacy, so does the father. The embarrassed father is familiar to us all. Questions make him squirm. The solution is more practice in communication. After all that’s what being a father is in the first place. It is a natural and generally rewarding state. SEXUAL PROBLEMS BETWEEN PARTNERS If one partner suffers from a sexual problem, is inevitable that the other person will sooner or later develop a problem. We would like to discuss this reciprocity of sexual problems between partners. Can one partner accept one ‘s mate and see sexual performance in a nonjudgmental way that would help both reach sexual fulfillment. Since premarital sex occurs frequently, can the difference in sexual exposure between one partner who has had no premarital experience in sex and another who has had numerous partners and numerous sexual enjoyments. be patient and can they become sexually compatible. PROBLEMS
IMPROVING SEX DO WOMEN KNOW WHEN THEY HAVE HAD ORGASM? Our sexual culture teaches us to expect great sexual things. Women expect to experience orgasms (preferably multiple) but these orgasms are expected to be like" bells ringing" or " the earth giving way", the actual experience often falls short of those expectations. Most women seek a hopeless quest for the authentic ‘true" orgasm. Many women say they are nonorgasmic and yet when questioned they feel their vagina contracting involuntarily, and feel their heartbeats pulsating in their vaginas, and later after sex they are calm and physically satisfied. Women today are told to expect orgasm to be an event of earth shattering degree. Many are in a state of denial and note that their nipples were not erect at the time of orgasm they could not have had orgasm. Once a woman becomes aware of the sensations they feel, and allow themselves to be flooded by these feelings, they become aware that the sensations are pleasurable and more orgasmatic and intense in nature. Orgasms differ from woman to woman, from moment to moment and from partner to partner. Most articles on orgasm were written by men and much emphasis is place on female orgasm as a sign of total adequacy. If a woman feels inadequate and incapable of ever doing anything right, know that no matter what the body responses are, it cannot be orgasm. They expect orgasm to be always explosive and intense.. They must feel vaginal contractions and all the other signs written about in order to have a "real "orgasm.
HOW LONG SHOULD FOREPLAY LAST? This simple question about a complex issue is answered simply "UNTIL BOTH PARTNERS ARE EAGER FOR INTERCOURSE.’. He signals her when his penis is firm and ready for action: she signals him when she yearns for the sensation of his penis in her well-lubricated and receptive vaginal. After thrusting has begun, it may be sometimes interrupted periodically for more ‘foreplay" or caressing to provide as many orgasms as the woman wishes and both partners reach ultimate satisfaction. When marital discord exists or there is a fear of intimacy, one partner may find foreplay distasteful or uncomfortable and avoids it as much as possible. The perfectionist makes every effort to be the world’s most perfect lover, prolonging foreplay beyond the point of pleasure so he can touch every one of his partner’s erogenous areas in textbook order. When hostility exists there is a struggle for power and control and arguments about the duration of foreplay. A man fearful of losing his erection may hasten to enter, one who is anxious about ejaculating prematurely, may stop foreplay to avoid getting ‘overstimulated". On the other hand, a woman who is nonorgasmic may wish to prolong foreplay. There is no magic number of minutes of foreplay. It can be as brief as a second or as long as an hour. In the excitement phase with the penis erect and the vagina lubricated, continued caressing and stimulation is required until both partners are ready for penile penetration. It is a mistake of assume that an erection or vaginal lubrication in their partner signals readiness for penetration or orgasm. This often leads to premature entrance by men who may not realize the woman would enjoy more precoital lovemaking.
PENILE-VAGINAL CONTACT: METHODS TO PROMOTE SEXUAL ENJOYEMENT Some people complain about lack of enough vaginal pressure during sex. They desire increased contact of the penile shaft with the vaginal mucosa. Several techniques have been employed
The size of the penis or vagina have no effect in increasing vaginal pressure on the penis. When erect, all penises are virtually the same size. The vagina also dilates and mobilizes in which all woman fit. The vagina adjusts to penile size in diameter and length to accommodate the penis of the longest and largest ranged male. When statements as ‘Perhaps I’m too big. I have stretched." are made it. represents a general dissatisfaction with sex and is a camouflage of marital discord. The man must understand that it is not physiologically natural for the woman to remain tight. During sexual excitement it is natural to become lubricated. When a man’s ego is dependent on the size of his penis then the snugger the opening, the better the man he thinks he is, and so he believes a tight vagina is desirable. When a woman looks at her partner for the first time and says ‘My goodness, isn’t that big! Isn’t that going to hurt me?, the man takes that as a compliment, which is a sign of our sexual culture. The same is true of a girl with large breast and an intact vagina, but these are not the things that make this person a permanent sex partner. It’s feeling and caring and being able to receive pleasure from each other that counts. Each must communicate well with the other and have a loving feeling for the other. The size of the penis or the vagina will have. absolutely nothing to do with their enjoyment of each other. COMMUNICATION SKILLS FOR SEXUAL PROBLEMS Poor communication
between partners often leads to sexual problems. Beside sexual problems Most communication problems involve difficulty with assertiveness-the ability to make honest, direct, and open statements, both positive and negative. One must ask for what one wants and be able to refuse unreasonable requests. In sex, assertiveness involves the ability to start lovemaking, to accept an overture, the ability to say no to unwelcome advances, and the ability to say one’s likes and dislikes about lovemaking. Ask your partner how she feels, what she thinks, and what she likes.
WHAT MAKES A GOOD LOVER ? A good lover is not a person but an experience. An intimated sex partner may not excite, may be exciting at the beginning but disappoints in the finale, and may produce an orgasm that falls short of relieving. A good lover gets it all together. It is a person that cares about the interpersonal relationship, is secure in his sexuality, and learns the techniques of sex without being caught up in the need to perform. He cares about the relationship so it can continue, be developed and nurtured. He tries to concern himself with the needs of his partner. Technique increases the possibility for high excitement and gratification by providing more options for fantasy to develop. Fantasies begin in childhood and there are many changing requirements. The excitement of clandestine sex has its roots in childhood that sex is naught, stolen, and must be hidden. Its easier to invest with grand expectations and fantasy with a new or anonymous lover. As reality sets in the excitement is replaced with disappointment and lack of interest. A good lover is a partner willing to allow the fantasy gratification and has the ability to excite and satisfy. New experiences rely heavily on fantasies. Continuous relationships bloc the fantasy and requires trust, honesty, and good will necessary for sharing fantasies, knowing what excites and what inhibits. A woman who can’t tell her lover she has not reached orgasm is cheating herself and her partner. Things can’t then get better.. a man who does not like his partner on top by be depriving himself and his partner. A good lover must be free of guilt about sex and be able to give and receive maximum physical and mental pleasure in love making. Making love must be in an uninhibited, leisurely, nonexploitive sharing of sensations and feeling. Both are free from shoulds and shoudn’ts
To sense his woman’s feelings requires that he is in touch with his own feelings. He senses the needs of his partner and tries to give her those actions that will please and excite her. He stays with her until she is satisfied. He must insist on doing whatever it takes to bring her full satisfaction. He should also show her what he enjoys, and should show delight when she responds to his requests. A good lover is imaginative. He doesn’t make love in the same old way in the same old place with a set routing that is predictable and clocked. Above all he stays with her until she is fully at rest. He holds her closely in his arms when sex is over. SEX WITH STRANGERS Sex with strangers is not uncommon. The range of people extend from those who have serious problems to those who are very healthy with mature and meaningful relationships. They are a heterogeneous group. Some are habitual, others occasional, and still other very infrequent. Strangers may be casual pickups in a bar that are nameless. They may be casual acquaintance that meet on rare occasions for sex; or they may be prostitutes. Habitual sex with strangers often cannot have sex with someone with whom they have a meaningful relationship. They seek sexual gratification with casual partners and strangers. Anonymity is essential for sex. They are lonely, feel sexually inadequate, and can only interact on the basis of sexual and physical attractiveness. They are insecure, inept, and extremely anxious in social situations. Intimate bonds are not allowed to form. They move in rapid succession from one sex partner to another. Sex with a stranger confirms their sexual desirability. They are emotionally detached in these relations. Pickups and one night stands are the outlet for sex. Caring and intimacy causes loss and pain. They are not willing to risk loss and avoid personal involvement at all costs. This is their defense against loss. Have sex only with strangers. In habitual sex with strangers love is disassociated from sex. The loved object is the pure mother figure while the sex object is the debased woman, the whore. They are usually single men who can have nonsexual intimate relations with women but their sexual needs must be met with prostitutes or strangers. Married men who frequent prostitutes for sex find their wives the equivalent of their mothers. They may be impotent with their wives while sexually active with prostitutes. They also cannot subject their wives to sexual variation because they see their needs as dirty and perverse. Cunnilingus, fellatio and other sexual variations are reserved for strangers and prostitutes. They may also have unusual kinky sex needs. They prefer to pay strangers rather than degrade their mates or loved ones. Often men with sever physical deformities habitually patronize prostitutes. Their only sexual outlet is through sex with strangers who for a price will have sex with anyone. The fear of rejections is eliminated by sticking to impersonal situations with strangers. They are not open to be hurt or pleasure. One night stands with strangers prevent rejection. Occasional sex with strangers occur in people who can from lasting meaningful relationships. Causal sex is an escaped from marital boredom. Without fear of infidelity they may choose to have a one-night stand with unknown women. There is not guilt of cheating but allows him with a monogamous relationship to experience sexual variation. Interim sex is another variation. Recently divorced people find it difficult to reenter the social scene. They are often vulnerable to a temporary loss of self esteem and to feeling undesirable. They seek affirmation through casual occasional sex. But they still prefer a loving and intimate relationship. Casual sex with stranger meets numerous needs. It is used to enhance one’s self-image and boost their egos, especially after a marital discord. Sex reassures them of their desirability. It soothes their wounds. Men feed their "macho’ image to prove that other women find them manly and desirable. or for some ,it is an attempt to win love and affection. Sex is the physical representation of ‘I care for you. You care for me.": Casual partners are not chosen indiscriminately. They must be sexually attractive. Infrequent sex occurs among men and women who are away from home, on long business trips, and at conventions. Usually they have made satisfactory relationships, but their sexual needs in the absence of their mates necessitates sex with strangers. LOVE Love between man and woman is a mystery that cannot be taught.. True happiness comes with inner peace. Sex is only a part of higher love. Without love one can see ones sexual limitations and feels ones relationship with ones lover is incomplete. It results in a harmonious balance of the powers of heaven and earth. The most accessible energy in humans is the sexual attraction between man and woman. We try to search for happiness and love outside of ourselves rather than within. We listen to the desires of our bodies rather than our minds and spirits. Lovers generate a great deal of electromagnetic energy. Human love expressed sexually is the most potent medicine (a human herb) you can take. YOUTH Youth in our society are told to stress the value of physical sex so much that their minds remain immature. Young people have lots of energy and don’t know how to channel it properly. They are obsessed with the image of sex which exhausts them. They seek pleasure and seek their identity. They become temporarily gratified with frequent and rapid loss of semen. This sexual activity without love is physically and mentally destructive. The mind suffers after this excess loss of testosterone and semen and often after sex there results viscous and violent behavior. MEN Most men are sexually weaker than their women. Men lose more energy through sex than women. A man’s lovemaking is limited by the amount of energy he has to keep up an erection. Men seek 1. Happiness via the physical, emotional and mental satisfaction 2. Strengthening of personal love relationship 3. Alleviation of sexual frustration 4. Release of boredom through sex 5. Curing of premature ejaculation and impotency 6. Increase in longevity and good health To reach total body and soul orgasm, man must: 1. Hold his penis erect as long as he wishes and not ejaculate sperm 2. Redirect this energy from his genitals to the heart and brain 3. Exchange his supercharged energy with the energy of his mate This is done by opening his feelings and subtle energy channels to his mate’s essence(fluids) and absorbing it during sex. WOMEN A woman can receive her man as long as she pleases. Her yin is inexhaustible and stronger. Man realizes woman’s infinite capacity and becomes insecure. He tries to compensate with other strengths (like trying to subdue woman in the physical and financial world.). AMERICAN SEX Sex has become a religion. It is more powerful than prayer, fellowship or religious experience.. The sexual revolution of the 1960’s resulted in today’s sexual exhaustion . This sexual freedom became a drug for the discontented . However it did not supply the stability needed. We learned everything from all the magazines videos movies and TV. The TV programmed mind is not a free mind. Nothing sells unless it is sexy. Sex is a disposable commodity in America. We cannot in our private lives experience sex as an intimate pleasure. Today sex is consumed and lovers are thrown away as soon as one gets old or it becomes inconvenient.. We were kept ignorant of the function of sex beyond the reproductive influence and pleasure of sex. Our sexual instincts enslave us. We think we know what we want, we get it, and realize something is missing. Sex often generates conflict in our lives. Our sexual energy must be channeled to a spiritual transformation. Good sex integrates the subtle energies needed to get a balance of opposing energies (yin and yang). The aim of sex is to enjoy a deep pleasure that reaches total body and soul orgasm not just genital orgasm. It is not our goal to satisfy the human ego and all its desires. The object of sex is to quiet the ego, calm the mind, and allow the body’s energies to rise to a higher level of awareness. The most accessible energy in nature is the sexual attraction between man and woman. In our bodies are stored sperm and ovarian energy. When this energy is released, our body fluids (essence) transform it to a higher level of energy. Sexual energy is constantly generated in the body. The sexual capacity diminishes with age. Energy cannot be destroyed . It can only be transformed. One must transform negative energy into positive energy and good feelings. sexual energy is the easiest energy to transform. Men lose energy from ejaculation and women lose energy from menstruation. SEXUAL ENERGY MALE SEXUAL ENERGY is stored in sperm. One ejaculation has 200-500 million sperm. Each has a potential human. If each sperm was to fertilize one egg, one orgasm could populate the entire United States. Making sperm takes on third of man’s energy output and this taxes the male immune system. During sexual arousal, the sexual fluids (essence) stored in the testes expand rapidly and rises to higher centers in the heart, brain, and nervous system. This upward movement of energy is cut short by premature ejaculation. Frequent ejaculations allow the internal pressure of life to be expelled from the body. This leaves only enough energy for basic needs.. The big spender goes on happily ejaculating like Niagara Falls. With frequent ejaculations, man loses stamina, vision and grows old before his time. Semen contains a treasure of vitamins, minerals, trace elements, hormones, proteins, ions and enzymes. It becomes difficult to take in enough nutrients to replace the energies lost by ejaculation. Sexual abilities become diminished and the body often cannot withstand diseases .We conserve natural resources but forget the critical resources of our body’s vital energies. MARRIED people live longer than single people. Two can share the stress more than one can. The sex act transfers sexual energies to the mind and stimulates high quality hormonal secretions. There is a Chinese saying: "It takes seven years to know a woman’s body rhythm, another seven years to learn her mind, and yet another seven years to understand her spirit". WITH AGING man notices a decrease in muscle mass and strength. He becomes more tired, moody and irritable. He feels he is losing control. Work pressures and social problems decrease his testosterone. Loss of self respect results in a decreased sex drive. The mind body connection is lacking. He states he is not feeling enough pleasure. "I don’t feel I’m enough of a man." He seeks anything that will improve his erection. He finds it impossible to cultivate more relaxed and realistic expectations. He cannot accept that his and his mate’s body have changed. A new level of intimacy is not acceptable. BIOLOGY OF SEX The discharge of semen completes the act of love. The faster sperm in used the more the body must produce. This requires enormous amounts of raw materials. Man ejaculates five thousand times in a lifetime. This equals four gallons of fluid. Sex hormones know where to go. They target brain cells. The male hormone system is connected to the testes via the brain’s pituitary gland. They pulsate together. Loving is a natural antidote to stress. Love activates hormonal centers and restores impaired body chemistry. BATTLE OF THE SEXES Woman is always stronger. Her water (yin) always puts out her mates fire (yang). The erection loses its flame. One should enter sex with the spirit of gamesmanship. One should not try to defeat ones lover. Today most men are beaten strongly in minutes by his mate. Man’s nature is to attack. He has the offensive weapon. With it he assaults furiously, quickly discharges semen and crumbles. Woman’s nature is to defend. she protects herself without exhaustion and is eager to continue. Woman’s weapons are her shield (vagina) and short sword (clitoris). Man has only a long spear (penis). If man remains beyond his mates striking range, she will drop the shield from fatigue. Man’s strategy must be the following: 1. He must stop throwing away his sexual energies by stopping the rapid sperm loss and until his mate is no longer superior. A woman who meets her match is not disappointed. As she reaches her peak of emotion she is ready to make peace with her opponent.. 2. He must use his tactical weapons first to bring his mate to high receptivity . Foreplay is essential with use of fingers, tongue and other body parts. For stimulation, ace unlike parts are placed together (mouth to genital, open eyes to closed eyes). 3. He must give his partner time to become aroused before he enters her. Woman’s organs must be warmed first to produce the energy (Qi) needed for love making. Think of woman as water and man as fire. If man burns up his wood (penis) too soon the pot of water (female Qi) will not have time to boil. Water warms slower than fire.. He must conserve his firewood while slowly warming his mate’s water. He must not use his chief weapon until he notes: the nipples rise, increase breathing, and increase gland secretion of fluid to the vaginal lips. Two thousand years ago in the writings of the Yellow Emperor nine female signs were noted necessary before penetration . 1. Breathing becomes rapid (Lung Meridian) 2. Energy moves to the heart (kiss) 3. Man is hugged(Qi in spleen) 4. Vagina becomes moist (Qi in kidney, and genitals) 5. Moves pelvis and bites gently (Qi in bones) 6. Legs wrap around man (Qi in muscles) 7. Caresses penis (Qi in blood) 8. Kisses with passion (Qi in skin and flesh) 9. Surrenders and is ready to receive her man (Qi in liver) Before intercourse the penis must pass 4 tests; 1. Firmness in erection (yin and yang are in harmony) 2. Swelling (blood Qi arrives) 3. Hardness (penetrate bone) 4. Hot (heat and energy reaches man’s spirit) 5. Both must realize neither can win or be dominated. the feeling of losing must be neutralized, Both must be free to surrender to each other and exchange their deepest love. 6. To achieve true orgasm both must continue to pulsate together and note strong vibrating energy in balance with their mate’s field of energy. FEMALE ORGASM is an inward explosion of yin energy. Man’s sperm is her nuclear energy. Man emits it and woman absorbs it. and gives it back as cooling heat. Woman requires no energy. She can lie down and get pregnant. Man must exert great effort to sustain himself. Man has too much yang and woman too much yin. This difference between the polarity of man and woman is what creates energy. Every man and woman have both yang and yin poles in themselves. Woman is a mirror to man. You get back what you give out. Send love and your mate will respond and return it to you. Love making must be made with your Qi not your ego. Give as much love and respect to your lover as you can. CHOOSING YOUR LOVER You choose your destiny. If you sleep with a degenerate, you can temporarily acquire your partner’s attributes. by exchanging energy you absorb the other’s substance. Old couples resemble each other because they have exchanged so much energy they are made of the same stuff. Hence make sure you love the woman with whom you have sex. One woman at a time takes a lot of time and energy to cultivate the subtle energy to a deeper level. The excuse of needing many partners masks a fear of developing a deeper intimacy with one’s lover. Making love with someone you don’t love will create an imbalance in your subtle energies. It will take its toll until you heal the mind connection. You don’t have to physically love everyone you feel attracted to. You can’t go deep into yourself by scattering your energy widely. DO’S AND DON’TS 1. Calm down any anger before sex. If you are relaxed so will your mate. 2. Foreplay begins before you touch a woman. Sweet talk, soft pillows, relaxing music, all expand female energy to your sexual energy. 3. Don’t make love after a big meal. There should be no competition for body energy. Sex on a full stomach reduces the semen and causes indigestion. Avoid cold drinks, ice cream, or ice cubes before sex. The body must heat them up and that burns off subtle sexual energy. 4. Avoid sex when you are tired, hungry, or angry. The energy expended can cause imbalance. 5. Don’t have sex when you are drunk. You cannot control the semen and the energy (Qi) flow. 6. Urinate 30 minutes before sex. Hard to make love on a full bladder. A woman on her menses should not urinate. It will keep the urethra from drying out. 7. Sex during extreme weather can cause an electromagnetic field imbalance. 8 .Don’t do hard work before and after sex. Muscles become depleted and energy recovery becomes difficult. 9. Don’t use artificial sex aids. Better to sharpen your own weapons. 10. Don’t shower immediately after sex. The water draws away some of the charge built up. Let the body absorb the energy of your lover. 11 Don’t thrust too powerfully into the vagina. this can lead to exhaustion, numbness in the vagina and an association of pain with sex. 12. Best sex occur in the spring (April and May). The sperm is in an expanding state. The sperm is more dormant in the winter. 13. Passive sex is best when ill. It can help a sick mate if you are strong. 14. Avoid mechanical sex. Sex should be a feast. Using women for a kind of masturbation cuts off return of your sexual energy. 15. Don’t fantasize to get aroused. Yin and yang energy are real flowing through both parties. When sex is a mental game it blocks the deepest energy flow. Avoid a plan of action. Let it be spontaneous and a surprise. MALE GENITAL EXERCISES 1. Hold the scrotum and with the other hand rub the lower abdomen in a circular motion about 300 times. Pull up the perineum at the same time. 2. Rub the groin at the top of the thigh 36 times. With the other hand press hard against the perineum. This massage should result in the penis moving and lifting up. repeat with rubbing the opposite groin. 3. Sit on the edge of a chair. Make fists with the palms of your hands and keep elbows at your side. Suck up the genitals and anus and squeeze butt tight. Pull legs straight up with toes bent back. Inhale air into the perineum. Stare at the back of your hands and focus energy just below the navel. 4. Before urinating, tighten butt and keep abdominal pressure. Stand of the tips of your toes. Exhale slowly and forcefully urinate. 5. Enlarge and lengthen penis exercise. Place 3 fingers into the perineum. With other hand pull penis back and forth. Use thumb to rub the tip of the penis. When penis becomes erect, circle the base of the penis. Rotate penis 36 times to the right and then 36 times to the left. Follow this by beating the penis to each inner thigh 36 times. Keeping the three fingers in perineum should prevent semen from being expelled. Finish by soaking penis in warm water for a minute. 6. Decrease sensitivity of penis by rubbing penis with rice. Place coarse cloth inside underwear. 7. Strengthen erection exercise. Squeeze base of penis with thumb and index finger and hold as long as possible to count of 9.. Inhale and hold breath while doing this. Repeat exercise each time squeezing closer to head of penis. 8. Place thumb and fingers at base of penis and squeeze. With other hand, massage entire shaft of penis in both directions with circular motion on top and sides from base to tip of penis and back to base. 9. Grip the tip of the penis with index and 3rd finger. Massage with the thumb in circular motion while gently pressing on the head. Repeat 200 times in each direction. Don’t ejaculate. This builds up the prostate gland. 10. Hold penis up and gently squeeze and tug on the testes 100 times. Shake testes 3-5 minutes with increasing intensity. Tap the testes. Massage testes with thumb in circular motion 3-5 minutes. These exercises increase the sperm count. 11. Press on perineum and rub. Squeeze anus and hold. This exercise stimulates the prostate. 12. A powerful tongue is like a magic wand. Shoot tongue out of mouth like a snake. Stick tongue out and slap side to side. Stretch tongue down and lick up. Whirl tongue in small circle. Stick out tongue and hook upward. DIET is important for good sex. Yin food decrease sexual desires and yang foods increase sexual desires. Men should avoid yin foods; VERY YIN Foods include sugar alcohol and fructose YIN FOODS include beans, vegetables and fish Woman should avoid yang foods. VERY YANG FOODS include garlic ginger and red pepper YANG FOODS include chicken meat and eggs HERBS TO ENHANCE SEXUAL ENERGY Man-Saw palmetto, Siberian ginseng, and Damiana Woman- American ginseng, Agnus-castus, False unicorn root, and Black haw LOVE MAKING POSITIONS are basically nine. Many others are merely the altering of positions of the legs. The person who moves brings healing. The inactive person receives healing and can concentrate on partner’s healing energy. A. Face to Face 1. Woman on back and man on top 2. On side with hips twisted so pelvis is tilted upward 3. Man on back and woman on top 4. Man sitting with woman sitting on his legs 5. Man and woman lie on side facing each other B. Back Facing 6. Woman on knees and man kneels behind her 7. Man on back with woman on knees facing his feet 8. Man sits with woman sitting on his legs facing his feet 9. Man and woman lie on their sides with man facing woman’s back SEXUAL ENERGY POINTS 1. Sacral point Man at base of penis and pubic bone Woman at top of vagina As approach orgasm, put both hands on buttocks at coccyx area and pull up anus and vagina. 2. Kidney point Hold partner’s little fingers (heart and small intestine points begin and end at this point.) For premature ejaculation, put hands on hips to prevent energy drainage of the kidneys. 3. Adrenal point To enhance low sexual energy, put heel of both palms on lower ribs at top of pelvis 4. Liver and spleen points Place hands on lower tip of wing bones. 5. Heart and Lung points Place hands between the scapula and spine 6.C7 point Put hands at base of neck. This is the passage way of many meridians. 7. Neck point Put hand on back of neck and the other hand over the sacrum. 8; Energizing point (the Jade pillow) Put one hand on base of skull and the other hand over the sacrum 9. Crown point Top of head In foreplay, put one hand over the sacrum with middle finger at tip of coccyx and let the other hand roam along all the other points starting at pelvis and proceeding to top of head. Energize using eyes, nose and tongue. Look at partner’s eyes. They are like magnets drawing or pulling from each other. Rub noses and feel the sparks. Move tongue into partner’s mouth. These all help join the flow of energy. During orgasm, the act of love is an act of respiration. Yin exhales and yang inhales. Partners coordinate their breathing putting an ear to partner’s nose and feel partner breathing. As you exhale, feel the yin entering partner as partner inhales. On inhaling, feel yin power going to the penis. Woman feel the yang power from the penis going to her G spot (at top of vagina). Feel the energy traveling up to your crown. To stop premature
ejaculation, push down as if having a bowel movement. Have partner
make ring with her fingers around testes, pulling downward. Man
counts to 100 and does the big draw.(as in previous male exercises).
Tongue is placed against upper palate. ROLE OF ACUPUNCTURE Acupuncture enhances all the sexual energy points which have become weakened by illness or mental blockage. Vascular blockage to genitals are relieved often restoring sexual prowess. Impotence and premature ejaculation are helped with acupuncture. |
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per
year. This reminds us that during the remainder of the time married
couples are interacting on other levels and in other ways. The soaring
ecstasy of a peak sexual encounter can be matched but not surpassed
by hundred other kinds of shared experiences. 
into
"sex is boring". These conflicts may increase during
pregnancy. Some women find themselves more responsive after
having children, others less. Sex becomes less spontaneous when
the children fill the daytime hours and sex becomes confined
to the nighttime hours. Yet, many couples find marital sex better
at 30 because of increased trust and self esteem.
occur.
The husband often becomes intensely involved in work related activities,
striving for financial and professional success. The wife, at the
same time, becomes focused the children. The decrease in interdependency
results in a decrease feeling of emotional and sexual closeness.
However,
with new technology, have come a new set of demand and tasks to
consume the free time gained by the use of appliances. In modern
suburbia, women must chauffeur their kids on an average of 4 hours
a day to soccer, day school, doctors, and many other events. These
boisterous and irritable youngster result in mom being a nervous
wreck by late afternoon when dad arrives from work. His arrival
results in new pressures—preparing dinner, listening to his
complaints, homework, putting kids to bed and sometimes playing
the role of mistress. These managerial tasks are truly overwhelming
and unfulfilling. This overdemanding role denies the wife satisfaction
for she cannot carry out task to completion. The husband complains
about his wife’s lack of sexual vigor and later the wife complains
about her husband’s lack of interest. He really wants a mistress
rather than a wife, someone with whom he can have sex occasionally
under romantic circumstances-candlelight and wine—rather than
a tired constant sex partner in the home bedroom. Her husband’s
lack of interest results in doubts by the wife of her charm and
femininity. Many woman regard their sexuality as a commodity that
is bartered for service or good behavior. Playing the role of mistresses,
charming, carefree, and stimulating, their function is to please
their man sexually. They use their sexuality as a medium of exchange
for charge accounts. Wives use shopping sprees to vent their hostility
toward their husbands, to satisfy their narcissism and relieve their
boredom. Motivated by guilt they make amends by offering the husband
sexual pleasure. 
Today
only a small amount of knowledge is acquired from his father. The
boy however, can learn from his father what it is to be a man. Facts
are not the main issue. Fathers may assume that they must know a
lot to be adequate in teaching sexuality. Words do not themselves
mean knowledge. We are so raised to respect words that we cannot
do without them. There are other ways to communicate . A father
is a model. When he wrestles with his boy it reminds the boy that
some day he, too, will be a strong man (by implication he will be
ready to function sexually). 
such as premature ejaculation, partial or complete erection failure
, inability to reach orgasm, and vaginismus, there are often complaints
with the frequency or quality of lovemaking. 
A
good lover says "I care for your well-being" and lets
her trust open up to him completely. He knows how to praise. He
has taken the trouble to learn all he can about sex stimulation
and response.
